Fall of Shadows
by GhostHelwig
Summary: Dokugakuji doesn't want to be here. But Kougaiji's following orders... orders that will destroy a certain Sanzo, and everything else with him... Rated M for very dark themes. Chapter four up now!
1. Prologue: The End Begins

Disclaimer – I do not own or profit from Saiyuki. Pity me. ...Heh.

Rated M for darkness, slash/yaoi, and more angst than you can shake a stick at. (Which could be any amount, as you can't shake sticks at incorporeal things like angst, but I assure you, there's still a lot of it in here.) Also? Wasn't kidding about the darkness thing. It _abounds_. Don't say you weren't warned. 'Cause you just were.

Contains some spoilers for the... what Ni does to Kougaiji in the manga, the storyline that gets resolved in volumes two & three of Reload. (It's also in the anime for Reload, but I can't recall just where offhand.) If you have no idea what I'm talking about, and moreover you don't _want_ to know, then you may want to skip reading this. Just for your own good.

Though I should further warn – I take liberties with the actual plotline. That's kinda how this story of mine formed.

Though additional blame (most of it, in fact) belongs with darthelwig, for throwing out the comment that led to this horrible plotbunny. When the inevitable flames come, I'm using them to burn your eyelashes off, sis. (I kid, I kid! Heh.)

Anyway, enough of my rambling. Enjoy. Peace, all.

OxOxO

**Fall of Shadows**

Prologue - The End Begins

_by_ _Ghost Helwig_

OxOxO

"We can't do this, Kou. It's insane."

A glance from lucid but deadened purple eyes silenced Dokugakuji quite effectively. Kougaiji had changed, since he'd been left in Ni's dubious 'care' (_my fault mine only mine_), changed in a myriad amount of ways – ways that pleased Dokugakuji not at all. Kougaiji was _changed_, and everything he said and did was _different_ now, unrecognizable-

Like _this_, for instance.

They were walking into the makeshift tent some of Kougaiji's subordinates had set up amid the trees when Kougaiji turned to him and spoke, surprising him – he'd thought their brief pseudo-conversation over.

"Remember," Kougaiji said tersely, "we do whatever Lady Gyokumen Koushu commands."

_We do?_ Dokugakuji thought, but he knew better than to say it aloud.

Kougaiji really was _different_.

They entered the tent, him holding the flap open for a gruff Kougaiji before entering himself and letting it fall shut behind him, putting all his pressing thoughts out of his head.

The sight before him helped with that.

The first thing he saw, once his eyes adjusted to the dim, flickering light of the two kerosene lamps spaced throughout the tent, was _gold_. Light glimmered, sparkled, caught in that gold, made a play of shadows and light amid the inky darkness trying to overtake the tent.

Even beaten and bound and blood-spattered, even in the half-dark of this cold place, Genjyo Sanzo was _beautiful_.

Which (as sick as it probably meant he was for thinking such a thing at such a time) made this a _hell_ of a lot easier.

Kougaiji knelt by Sanzo's head, and for a moment Dokugakuji thought it looked like he was going to do something _kind_, something like _him_, but instead, Kougaiji brutally slapped Sanzo awake.

If Sanzo awoke somewhat _less_ than pleased, it was completely understandable.

"This is ridiculous," he growled low in his throat, voice even more gritty than usual from grogginess, pain – and possibly a drug (or two) in his system. Dokugakuji wouldn't put _anything_ past Ni-

And it was _his_ puppet Kougaiji had _really_ become.

When no one answered him, Sanzo snarled, "let. Me. _Go_."

Emotionlessly, Kougaiji slapped him again, making Sanzo's head snap to the side, blond hair flying, glittering in the dim light. Dokugakuji felt suddenly sick.

"I do as my Lady commands," Kougaiji said tonelessly.

_And who do **I** obey, Kou? Her? You? Is that why I'm doing this?_

Dokugakuji resisted the urge to put his head in his hands; he was as much a party to this as Kougaiji was. He would not allow himself to look away.

_Am I doing this for you?_

As Kougaiji began methodically stripping the bound Sanzo, Dokugakuji gulped back the bile rising in his throat.

_Or is that just my excuse?_

--_End Prologue_--


	2. Chapter One: In Darkness Comes

Disclaimer – I do not own or profit from Saiyuki. What a novel thing, here at this place for _fanfiction_ authors... ('grin')

Rated M for darkness, slash/yaoi, and lots and lots of teh precious _angst_. (Yes, that typo was deliberate.)

Again I say - contains some spoilers for the Ni... doing stuff to Kougaiji arc in the manga, the storyline that gets resolved in volumes two & three of Reload. (It's also in the anime for Reload, but I can't recall exactly where at the moment.) If you have no idea what I'm talking about, and you don't _want_ to know, then you might want to look elsewhere for your reading pleasure on this day. Just a friendly warning.

Also again - I take liberties with the actual plotline. That's how this story came about, really.

Though additional blame can be placed on darthelwig, for throwing out the comment that led to this atrocity against nature. Stone _her_ if you like. (Or don't. She's been known to use me as a human shield before.) 'grin'

Anyway, enjoy. Peace, all.

OxOxO

**Fall of Shadows**

Chapter One – In Darkness Comes...

_by_ _Ghost Helwig_

OxOxO

The muscles in Kougaiji's back were bunching, straining, stretching underneath the flickering light. Dokugakuji watched, fascinated... repulsed... utterly, unwilling aroused, despite himself.

All he could see of Sanzo were glimpses of messy golden hair or flashes of sleek pale limbs. He was mostly hidden by Kougaiji, who was following Gyokumen Koushu's instructions to the letter-

And fucking Sanzo into the ground.

It was so quiet. Quieter than Dokugakuji had ever fucked anyone (_his mother had wheezed, gasped, cried out every time he thrust 'just right', so deep_). It was _unnatural_.

...well, _yeah_. _Everything_ about this was.

But Sanzo, after the expected threats and verbal eye-rolling (all of which hid – though not _well_ – fear and panic; it need not hide his open fury and biting scorn), had gone strangely silent. He didn't speak or cry out in pain (_big surprise_) or even yell out insults and more death threats. He just... laid there. Thinking whatever thoughts a man like Sanzo would think in a situation like this.

Dokugakuji couldn't hazard a guess as to Sanzo's thoughts on a _good_ day. On a day like this...?

He wasn't even sure he wanted to know _what_ was going on behind the dead violet stare he just _knew_ Sanzo was shooting at the whole room.

...he wondered, vaguely, if his brother (_half-brother_) would kill him for this.

He knew Goku would.

And as Kougaiji's smoothly thrusting body increased its pace, he knew that Hakkai-

Hakkai would kill him for what was coming.

Slowly, ever so slowly, he became aware of a soft, rhythmic sound coming from Kougaiji – not just the occasional harsh gasps or throaty moans, but an actual _sound_, like a whisper...

Oh. He _was_ whispering. Whispering in Sanzo's ear.

Dokugakuji held his breath, and listened.

"You hold yourself so aloof, don't you, Genjyo Sanzo? You don't touch and you don't talk – you keep yourself locked up tight. The ice princess in her castle prison. But now I'm taking what you were keeping safe. I'm taking it, and making it worthless."

Dokugakuji bent his head, his own released breath loud in his own ears. So _that_ was what Ni had been whispering in Kougaiji's ear. It had to be. These were not Kougaiji's words.

"Your sex is worthless now, _Kouryuu_," Kougaiji murmured darkly, his head bent low over Sanzo's, his hair a mass of dark, flowing red.

"Just like the rest of you."

_Kouryuu?_ Dokugakuji thought. _Wha-_

"_You_ are _worthless_."

Kougaiji thrust one last time, deep and hard and with his whole body shuddering, gritty voice crying out his pleasure to the empty tent – and Dokugakuji.

Who found himself wondering how sick he had to be to find the roughness of Kougaiji's pleasured voice comforting, soothing, just because it meant he was no longer whispering in that silk-smooth way that was _not_ Kougaiji, but rather Ni Jianyi...

He wiped sweat from his brow, watching as Kougaiji stood, cleaned himself off with a rag from the ground, and began to pull on his clothes.

At least now it was over. Finally over...

"Dokugakuji."

It was a command.

He stood, and with steady fingers (that really should've been shaking) began to remove his clothing. How could he have forgotten? (_Put it out of your head, Jien, you need to put it out of your head._) He'd been there, when Kougaiji received his orders...

-o-x-o-

"Break him," Gyokumen Koushu demanded.

Dokugakuji stared at her. He was not the only one.

But while Dokugakuji stared in (somewhat begrudgingly wide-eyed) confusion, Kougaiji stared with utter, blind devotion. It was sickening.

_You're so devoted to _her _now, Kou – where are your convictions – where is your heart?_

_I can't feel it anymore._

"You will take Genjyo Sanzo prisoner," the Lady went on, startling Dokugakuji, while she just smiled in that sickly pleased way of hers. "You will bind him, strip him, make him vulnerable and at your mercy. And then..."

She smiled again, brilliantly, using all of her teeth.

"You will give that damned monk the fuck of his life."

Dokugakuji lurched forward, instinctive desire to kill her overtaking his senses for a moment. And Kougaiji just stayed kneeling before her, bent practically at her feet, emotionless... a living doll.

But moving had brought her eyes to him (Dokugakuji could feel them burning into his flesh, pinpricks, pinpricks that stung like stab wounds), and that damned him.

"You," she smirked, pointing at him. "You will fuck him, too."

For just a second, Dokugakuji was confused. Fuck Sanzo, or Kougaiji? His heart lurched-

"You will fuck that damnable priest. You will _break him_."

-and kept lurching. Along with his stomach.

And as Ni walked over and began speaking quietly (_lowly and darkly and way-too-closely_) into Kougaiji's ear, grinning merrily over his shoulder as Dokugakuji stared – glared and fumed. Dokugakuji knew-

Whether Sanzo was a 'good' priest or not (that was highly debatable), defiling him like that would be a terrible, unforgivable sin...

-o-x-o-

And so it was.

And as Dokugakuji knelt between Sanzo's bound, spread legs, he knew-

_This_ was the real reason he was damned.

_This_ was the reason Cho Hakkai would _end him_ at the very first opportunity.

Sitting idly by (and _watching_, helplessly watching) was one thing – and bad enough – but _participating_-

Sanzo wouldn't kill him, just because a bullet to the head would be too merciful. (Although a bullet to the stomach was a horrible way to go...) After all, he had others with him who would do it for him, and much more painfully to boot.

And as an added bonus, they'd take longer about it.

_If Goku knew, would his limiter break? Would it kill him, to see Sanzo like this? Hands bound to a tent pole, ankles roped to other poles so that he's spread out, open, undignified – and _beautiful_. Too damn _beautiful_ to be real._

_Would you kill me for seeing this, Goku? For bringing clouds to mar your sun?_

Sanzo's eyes were shadowed. Dokugakuji really shouldn't be looking at them – he knew that. If he even got one glimpse of those purple eyes (_those_ unnatural _eyes_), it – _they_ – would probably undo him.

But he couldn't help himself. He wanted to see.

He wasn't accustomed to not _seeing-hearing-tasting_ the person he bedded. He was much like his half-brother in that intimacy was the only time he actually allowed himself to be _intimate_ with someone else. He couldn't do it with words, with thoughts he never expressed or sentiments he expressed wrong, but he _could_ do it by, well, '_doing it_'.

...could he be intimate with Genjyo Sanzo?

...it seemed he had to be.

But that didn't mean it had to be like _this_. Cold. Mean... He could be kind. Even like this, doing this, even with his enemies. Wasn't it always best to be kind?

And to explain. Sanzo deserved an explanation.

...but what kind of explanation could there be? What kind of explanation could there _possibly_ be?

He glanced nervously over his shoulder. Kougaiji was staring at him, arms crossed over his chest – he almost looked bored, unless one caught the hungry fire burning in his eyes. He wouldn't 'enjoy' this (he no longer 'enjoyed' _anything_), but he was still determined to see it through to the end...

There would be no help, no comfort, no _reprieve_, from Kougaiji.

For either of them.

He turned back, caught a glimpse of an entirely different kind of fire raging in a very different set of pretty purple eyes.

There would be no forgiveness, either, from _him_.

Dokugakuji looked away.

"Sanzo," Dokugakuji began in a fierce sort of whisper, determined to explain even if he knew the explanation would fall on deaf ears, "you've gotta understand. Kou, he's – he's not himself-"

"And you?" Sanzo rasped. Dokugakuji's startled eyes shot back to Sanzo's; they were so cold it hurt to look at them.

"Are you not yourself as well?" Sanzo's gaze burned into him, an icy fire.

"Or is this a part of you?"

Dokugakuji froze, stung. He wasn't like this – it wasn't part of him – he _wasn't_ like _this_ – he wasn't this kind of person – _he wasn't like this_ –

But he was still _doing_ this, wasn't he?

"Make up your fucking _mind_," Sanzo hissed, and Dokugakuji glanced down at him again. "Either fuck me or get the fuck _off_ me."

He stared into those violet eyes that gave away nothing of what went on behind them, and suddenly _saw_ Sanzo for the first time. What must it be costing Sanzo, to talk like this when he'd already been (_raped_) humiliated, and he was about to be (_violated_) humiliated all over again?

Without thinking he reached up, brushed a strand of silky golden hair away from those intense eyes, fingers idly caressing one pale cheek. The beauty he'd seen in Sanzo before had always struck him as hard, cold – who knew he could look so... vulnerable?

He looked up just in time to see alarm flicker over Sanzo's face.

"I'm not going to hurt you," Dokugakuji said hurriedly (_as if I believe that's really the problem_). "I have to do this, but – but I'm not going to _hurt_ you."

Sanzo's eyes widened slightly, almost imperceptibly, but though he looked almost _young_, with his face paler than usual and his lips curling slightly down, when he spoke his voice was as harsh as ever-

Except for the catch in his throat and the way his tone slid up and down in spurts, wavered like it traveled over rocks in order to reach the air. But Dokugakuji politely ignored all that.

"A r-ridiculous sentiment."

Only a slight darkening of the already darkened eyes showed Sanzo's horror at having _stuttered_. And suddenly, for no reason he could rightly name, Dokugakuji wanted to kiss him.

Maybe it was just how, for the first time ever, Sanzo looked... _human_. Looked _real_. Touchable. Reachable.

Fuckable.

But then, Sanzo pretty much _always_ looked fuckable.

And when Kougaiji very pointedly cleared his throat behind him, he realized just how much _worse_ Sanzo's sudden, unexpected, and alarming _humanity_ was going to make this.

--_End Chapter One_--


	3. Chapter Two: A Gleam of Light

Disclaimer – I do not own or profit from Saiyuki. If I did, more people would accept me as their loving and all-powerful deity. So far, only the voices in my head will do that (except Peter. But he was always the troublemaker).

Rated M for slash-yaoi-boys who love boys. Oh, and I do believe there's some angst, darkness, and _non-con_ here, too... Just as you were warned earlier that there would be.

Dedicated to darthelwig. Because it's all her fault, really.

Thank you to Ditch Gospel and Iapetus, for such thoughtful commentary. I appreciate every word people send my way, and, to Iapetus, I hope you like this chapter just a tiny bit better (though I, admittedly, changed very little)...

Also? The first six chapters, and the prologue, were written before I realized this was _not_ going to be a one-shot. Go me and my amazing powers of observation! (--lol--)

Anyway, enjoy. Peace, all.

OxOxO

**Fall of Shadows**

Chapter Two – A Gleam of Light

_by_ _Ghost Helwig_

OxOxO

It was a brilliant plan, really. Yaone had arguably the hardest role, because it required her to lie; something she had been fine with before, but now that she considered these people '_good people'_ it was much, much harder. But she did it, walked (well, more like _stumbled_) onto the road as she had once before, just in time for Hakkai to once again break fast and hard to avoid hitting her.

_Break fast and hard – that's the goal of this whole damn mission._

She told them that she was looking for Lirin – they didn't know, couldn't possibly know, that none of them had seen Lirin in weeks, not since her mother had spirited her away somewhere. Whenever Yaone asked around about her, quietly blank faces were her only responses.

_Don't worry, little sister – your big brother and I will find you. We'll find you._

When he caught sight of Kougaiji's eyes shining in the darkness that was their hiding place amid the trees (far from the group below them on the road, and cautiously downwind), he was forced to revise his silent promise.

_After I find _him _again, little sister, I will find you._

Just as they'd known he would, Hakkai let Yaone into the jeep, despite what looked to be an annoyed protest from Sanzo. But despite what Dokugakuji knew would be irritation on the part of the monk, no one stopped her.

They really were too trusting of their enemies.

Only, Dokugakuji reflected as he prepared to signal the troops waiting quietly for it, that wasn't really true. Because normally, they would have more honor than this. They would _never_ have done this, if Kougaiji were well, were _himself_ still...

This was Gyokumen Koushu's plan. This was cruel; unfair. This...

This was something he and Yaone hated themselves for countenancing.

Yaone suddenly collapsed against Gojyo, the fingers that had 'accidentally' grabbed onto Goku's shirt taking him with her. Dokugakuji gave a long, low whistle.

As the jeep skid around to a horrible stop, nearly overbalancing from the sudden shift in weight, Kougaiji's men burst from the trees. And Goku and Gojyo, each hit in the face with a blast of powder from Yaone's belt when she oh-so-conveniently fell, were already unconscious in the backseat.

Dokugakuji knew, even as he hurried closer with Kougaiji stalking their prey just ahead of him, that she would be babbling apologies about now... as if there was any apology they could make for something like this.

But then, Yaone didn't know what awaited Sanzo after they captured him. She had not been told.

A mercy, or a crime? Dokugakuji wasn't sure.

But _he_ knew, and it was killing him inside.

He almost wished that Hakkai stood a chance against the _power_ Kougaiji brought to bear against him, the pure, vile _strength_ he no longer held back. But only too soon the healer fell, defending Sanzo until the very end.

Sanzo, who had the strangest look in his eyes as he called upon the power of the Maten Scripture, a look that said maybe the taste of betrayal had actually hurt him.

Sanzo and Kougaiji were evenly matched; too evenly. That hadn't been planned for. And as Kougaiji summoned yet another demon, Dokugakuji knew what he must do.

_God forgive me._

He hopped into the jeep behind Sanzo, who snarled something incomprehensible over his shoulder, focused on using his scripture against Kougaiji but still obviously _aware_ of Dokugakuji's presence. He knew he wouldn't be able to get close.

But then, he didn't need to.

He yanked Goku's limp body into his arms, and without even looking at him the priest's shoulders had stiffened. Dokugakuji wasn't sure how he knew, what had given his actions away, but that hardly mattered.

"Give up, Sanzo," he said quietly. "Or I'll kill him."

Nothing, for the longest time. Magic swirled in the air around them, prickled against Dokugakuji's skin. The fire (_Kougaiji's fire_) in the air was beautiful and hot; Sanzo's Sutra only added to the heat haze beginning to spread. It was a sight, a place, Dokugakuji knew he'd never forget-

And wished he'd never been.

_Beautiful, and yet somehow, indescribably ugly._

_...that sounds like someone I know._

"Tch," Sanzo finally said. His blond hair blew in the wind; Dokugakuji wished he could see his face. "You won't do it. You're too _honorable_."

Deliberately, Dokugakuji drew out his sword, knowing Sanzo would hear it, feel the added weight of it in the air. He rested it against Goku's throat.

"I don't _want_ to," he said forthrightly. "But my Lord-"

-No, that wasn't right, he couldn't blame Kou, this wasn't Kou's fault-

"-but our orders were clear. We grow impatient. We need the Sutra."

He pressed down just a little, just enough to slice into that delicate skin. It didn't take much, just a pound of pressure, to break flesh, whether human or youkai-

_There's a metaphor there, I think. Not that _he'd _appreciate it at this point._

"Don't make me kill him, Sanzo. Don't make me do it."

He expected Sanzo to scoff, to tell him _you think I care what you do with the kid? He isn't my friend_. _And servants are a dime a dozen_.

But Sanzo said none of those things. Instead, he huffed indignantly, and muttered, "I wouldn't be _making_ you do anything. Take some fucking responsibility for yourself, for fuck's sake."

That cut to the quick. And without even intending to Dokugakuji was pulling Goku up, preparing to slice deep into that skin just _because_-

And Sanzo was twirling around, was aiming the Makai Tenjyo at _him_-

And Kougaiji struck.

It all happened so fast. Sanzo fell forward, slamming against the backseat. Letting out a relieved sigh, Dokugakuji dropped Goku as Kougaiji began ordering his remaining troops to tie up the four unconscious men. Yaone stepped forward, obviously intending to help Dokugakuji get up-

At that moment, Hakuryu transformed. Everyone who'd been inside him was dropped unceremoniously to the ground – Yaone screamed nearby, startled, while Dokugakuji only _wished_ he could scream, but Goku's foot had slammed into his chest, cutting off his air.

The little dragon was obviously _furious_, and was diving at anyone who even got _close_ to Hakkai. Between the dragon's squealing and the hard impact against the ground, it wouldn't be long before _someone_ in the Sanzo group woke up...

_And if it's the monkey – or the monk, or the healer, or even my own little brother for that matter – we're all so already dead, we're already being mourned..._

Kougaiji's hand glowed dangerously. And of all the things they'd done, all they were planning on doing, Dokugakuji only felt _dirty_ when he thought of killing that poor, defenseless animal...

"My Lord!" Yaone blurted, grabbing Kougaiji's arm. He glared at her, jerked his arm out of her grip, but she was buying them time-

"_Go_!" Dokugakuji shouted, swinging his sword through the air, not trying to hurt the dragon but to scare him off. "He'll kill you! You can't protect them if you're dead!"

He couldn't be sure, but he thought the dragon _growled_ at him – the expression reminded him so strongly of the monk that he froze for a moment, stunned. But Hakuryu had apparently believed him, because he flew off into the trees.

Dokugakuji didn't doubt, even for a moment, that the dragon would stay nearby, watching over his companions as best he could. The single-minded loyalty was impressive.

Even later on he wouldn't feel at all strange about using logical reasoning against an animal. That dragon was _not_ a normal beast; why treat it like one?

For that matter, why be surprised when it didn't _act_ like one? It turned into a _jeep_, for gods sake. It turned into _metal_.

Kougaiji was glaring at both him and Yaone, obviously not pleased that they had somehow managed to deny him his kill. Best to distract him before he decided to take it out of their hides...

Dokugakuji reached down, and gathered Genjyo Sanzo into his arms. Kougaiji was suddenly eying up the priest, anger forgotten.

"Get him to the flying dragon," Kougaiji ordered. And as Dokugakuji turned to obey, he could hear Kougaiji moving on, issuing other orders to what was left of his men (which, considering only two of their four 'enemies' had been awake when the real fight started, was not a lot; impressive – if not at all surprising).

He could hear Yaone extending further instructions, tie this here, not so tight there; hers, again, would be the dangerous role, for she had to cart the other four as far away from here as possible. She would have no flying dragon with her for a quick escape (for a dragon could be taken, stolen, used against them), no real defense beyond the rest of the men and her own skills.

Even with all that had happened, Dokugakuji was mostly convinced that not even Son Goku – who would be furious when he awoke to discover his master gone – would kill her.

Mostly.

Because unlike them, Sanzo's group had _retained_ their honor-

_If our actions are any indication, Kou_, he thought as he made his way quickly to the flying dragon he'd left behind, _we don't deserve to win this battle. Real men don't fight like this. This is the way cowards do battle._

He slung Sanzo over the flying dragon's back, and with shaking hands he removed the Sutra from the monk's shoulders. He looked naked without it – more naked than Dokugakuji had ever seen him.

And that was when it hit him, and he doubled over, unsure if he wanted to laugh-

Or weep.

_I'll be seeing you naked in just a few hours' time, Sanzo. And I wonder..._

He quickly got ahold of himself, straightening and looking down at those cold, closed-off features, that icy, untouchable beauty.

_Will you ever allow yourself to be naked again once I have?_

-o-x-o-

It really wasn't right; wasn't _fair_. _No one_ who looked that cold and isolated should be that warm inside. It shouldn't even be _allowed_.

But Sanzo was a mass of contradictions. And while normally comparing notes on them all might be intriguing, right now Dokugakuji couldn't care _less_. What mattered, right now, in this moment, was the tight heat surrounding him, enveloping him in disgusting, rapturously _disgusting_ pleasure...

It really should've hurt. Taking a man like Sanzo, especially against his will, that should _hurt_. He should get scratched up when sliding inside him, at the very least.

But it didn't hurt at all. And the fact that it didn't hurt, well, that wasn't fair either.

_I'm defiling a priest. And the only one that hurts over it is him._

That thought gave him pause. He'd promised Sanzo he wouldn't hurt him (which really had turned out to be a ridiculous sentiment, a well-meaning lie, when he discovered that the only thing available to use as lubricant was the blood already coating Sanzo's thighs), but he wasn't exactly making it _good_ for him. Shouldn't he try that, at least?

And the selfish part of him, the deep dark part that had walked away from Gojyo as a child simply so he wouldn't have to face his own guilt (_his own accountability_), knew that he was doing it, not just for Sanzo, but for _himself_.

He couldn't bear the memory of this ice-cold man beneath him suffering in raging, defiant silence while he took his own pleasure from his body.

He didn't want a memory of Genjyo Sanzo raped. But barring that, he _really_ didn't want one of a Genjyo Sanzo who held himself together with his stone-cold glare simply because he couldn't cry as he was being violated...

_Maybe it won't hurt him so much if he can forget that it's happening. Maybe if I touch him, if I make him feel good, it'll hurt him just that little bit less..._

He knew he was lying to himself, to make himself feel better. He wasn't sure he cared.

So he reached down, reached down to the part of Sanzo he'd never dared _dream_ of touching, and gave him one long, steady, satisfying stroke.

And Sanzo, who had never allowed _anyone_ to touch him there, who'd kicked and fought and _bit_ anyone who fucking _dared _–

Screamed.

--_End Chapter Two_--


	4. Chapter Three: That Blinds Your Eyes

Disclaimer – I do not own or profit from Saiyuki. This is rated M for sexual themes, _non-con_, naughty language, and gratuitous yaoi. Also, there be **_SPOILERS_** for Reload here. Just so's you know; in case you didn't figure it out by _now_. ('grin')

This chapter is dedicated to Ditch Gospel, whose reviews never fail to make me smile. See? I'm smiling right now, just thinking about them. ('smile')

Also? Blame darthelwig if you hate this fic. 'Tis her fault and all. ...as _usual_. Heh.

And in case any of you Saiyuki fans reading this right now have read my _other_ ongoing saiyuki fic(s), I'm hoping to finish up new chapter(s) soon. I apologize for the looooong delay. ('bows')

Anyway, enjoy. Peace, all.

OxOxO

**Fall of Shadows**

Chapter Three – That Blinds Your Eyes

_by_ _Ghost Helwig_

OxOxO

Yaone was apologetic, but adamant. She had no idea where Genjyo Sanzo had been taken. She would not help them look for him. She was very sorry.

Hakkai left her tied up to a tree. He was very sorry.

So they followed Goku's nose, followed their own trail back to where Kougaiji's men had attacked them because Goku couldn't smell Sanzo _anywhere_.

And Sanzo had always been the one to hear _him_ calling. Not the other way around. If they were to find Sanzo, they would have to do it the hard way.

When they'd finally gotten away and made it back to the place where they'd been ambushed (_the scene of their betrayal_), Goku quickly confirmed their worst fears – not far from there, in a deeply forested area on a small little ridge, Sanzo's scent disappeared from the earth.

(_They'd taken the sun into the air, where the earth child could not follow_.)

They were still digesting their despair when a flash of gray sliced through the air and remained hovering before the eyes of a startled Hakkai. And with only a few telltale '_kuu_'s, Hakkai told them what he knew the dragon (_his dragon, who had inexplicably found him once again_) well enough to have figured out.

Hakuryu had followed the other flying dragon. He'd followed their kidnapped leader until he'd seen where they were taking him. Then he'd returned here, knowing they'd eventually make their way to him.

As Goku grabbed the surprised dragon in a fierce hug and proclaimed loudly that at their very next stop, he'd share a meatbun with him (which was quickly changed to a spring roll, not that the delighted Hakuryu seemed to mind), Hakkai and Gojyo shared a small, tense, unforgiving smile.

Their dragon had found their missing brother-

But it was up to them to bring him home.

-o-x-o-

.Dokugakuji had always prided himself on his control. _Don't yell at your mother when she terrifies your little brother – don't yell at your little brother when he does stupid things that he should know better than to do because they'll upset your mother – don't scream at Lirin when she blatantly disobeys rules that are in place to keep her safe – don't leer at Yaone, who's had more than her fair share of that already – don't take Kougaiji by the shoulders and _shake him _just to get him to see that he's already _got _a family, right here_-

But Sanzo, with insulting ease and without even trying, was quickly slaughtering that veneer of control.

_Who's the rapist here, me or you?_

Because those slim hips that thrust towards him of their own volition (_but out of Sanzo's control_), those vibrant cries he could force out of the monk's mouth just by hitting the right spot inside him (_but Sanzo doesn't want to moan, or cry out, he wants to be silent, he wants to die_), they were driving him mad.

And he kept stroking, kept time with his own thrusts – because somehow, he'd become convinced (had convinced _himself_) that if he just did this right – whatever that was – he would be sparing Sanzo somehow.

Sanzo would call him foolish. But Dokugakuji was just doing what he could to protect him, however little that was.

_I will protect you I can't save you But I will **protect** you_ –

He moved a little faster, thrust a little harder. And when he knew his orgasm was fast approaching he did what he'd been wanting to do from the beginning-

He kissed Sanzo, so hard and deep and long that he almost didn't realize he'd come inside him at the same time-

Until he felt Sanzo spilling over his hand.

_We came together_-

And then, before he could even gather his wits, _teeth_.

He jerked away, which was a mistake – Sanzo's teeth had been biting down so hard that a small piece of the flesh of his bottom lip got left behind in that snarling mouth. In fact, those lips were set in a firm, hard line-

Sanzo was... obviously displeased. _Actually, he looks fucking _pissed.

"S-sanzo-"

"_Bastard_!" Sanzo was practically _growling_ at him; Dokugakuji blinked stupidly. Funny how he hadn't expected this, even from the famously furious monk...

"You just _had_ to try fucking with my head, too, huh? _Prick_. Not even your _brother_ would be so goddamn _perverted_-"

"Wait a minute," Dokugakuji interrupted; he could hear Kougaiji's impatient foot-tapping start up behind him, and it startled him briefly. He'd forgotten anyone else was there. All he'd been aware of was silky moonlight skin and snapping violet eyes and swaying golden sunlight and _heat_, such heat from such a cold stone...

He shook himself mentally, forced his mind back on track so he could go on – so he could explain.

"I was just trying to _help_ you, dammit," he said, unable to help, to curb his own half-snarled tone. "I thought maybe if I-"

"_Help_ me?" Sanzo scoffed. "You were trying to _help_ me? Gods, you _are_ his brother – only someone related to the kappa could be so goddamn _stupid_."

Dokugakuji bristled, but before he could say anything, Sanzo's low, angry voice was filling his ears once again.

"Don't you _dare_ try to rationalize this away, asshole. _You_ ra – did this. If you couldn't accept that, then you shouldn't have fucking _done_ it."

Dokugakuji stared. Through the haze of broken grief and growing, throat-clogging guilt, one thought crystallized:

_That is not a normal man._

But as Sanzo turned his head away, light caught, glistened in one darkened eye.

Sanzo _was_ human. Inescapably - regrettably - so.

_Would it have changed anything, had you been born youkai? You wouldn't be _here_, that's for certain – no youkai could ever be a Sanzo priest._

Kougaiji shifted behind him, and suddenly Dokugakuji was very, very aware of his nakedness. He pulled away further-

And felt something wet slide down his leg.

He knew what it was before he looked. And sure enough, crimson (_like Gojyo's hair_) was sliding down his thigh from the place where he'd been encased in warm heat-

And suddenly, he looked at Sanzo with new eyes.

He peered through the gloom, catching things, little things, he hadn't noticed before (whether because of shock or indifference he didn't know, didn't even want to _guess_).

Like the claw marks running up and down Sanzo's body. _Did I do those? Did Kou? It had to be one of us, no one else would touch him like this-_

_We should never have touched him like this._

And when he looked even closer, bent over Sanzo's body in order to see better (did Sanzo flinch away from him? No, that must've been just in his head), he saw something that shocked and upset him so badly, he recoiled with a startled oath-

And thought he might be sick all over the man he'd just spent a while (_too long_) violating.

_There's blood – a lot of blood – all over his wrists... He was fighting, this whole time..._

He stared at Sanzo with his eyes wide, unseeing... disbelieving.

_He was fighting, but... the bonds were so tight... I..._

_I didn't see him moving at all._

"_S-sanzo_," he whispered, "I... I'm so..."

"Apologize," Sanzo rasped, "and I'll kill you."

-o-x-o-

"But why _do_ this?" Kougaiji asked, and for just a moment, he sounded so like _himself_ Dokugakuji's heart leapt. But the cold violet eyes that watched Ni Jianyi, awaiting his answer, quickly nipped that feeling of relief in the bud.

Ni smiled, and a shiver crept its insidious way up Dokugakuji's spine. He was suddenly immensely glad that Yaone was off finishing the preparations for their assault (_our goddamned cowardly _ambush) on the Sanzo party later on that afternoon.

"Isn't it obvious?" Ni asked in that creepy way of his, that was both purring amusement and biting sarcasm, as though he laughed at you while calling you worthless (_which he basically did_). "Once we get the Sutra in our hands, what better way to ensure that _Sanzo_ and his followers never darken our horizon again? After all, who could bear to face off with their," he licked his lips, smiling again, "_violators_?"

_If anyone could_, Dokugakuji thought through his rising nausea and still-not-abating shock, _it would probably be Genjyo Sanzo_.

But he wasn't sure whether or not he actually thought that was true.

"Wouldn't it be easier just to kill him?" he asked through cold, numb lips (that felt like nothing more than useless appendages right now, tiny slices of meat; they couldn't save him, couldn't help him, nothing he said would make any difference at all).

"I don't know," Ni said smoothly, voice a pure, purely feral grin, "it seems to me you've been having an _awful_ lot of trouble killing them so far."

_Bastard._

_What would you have me do, kill my _brother_? Is that – _would _that be enough to appease you sick fucks?_

"Besides," Ni went on blithely, "this way is just more _fun_."

While Dokugakuji fought with the urge to kill him – and the equally strong urge to vomit – Ni smiled and asked, "don't you agree?"

Dokugakuji could feel his mouth opening, preparing to say something _bitter-evil-and-oh-so-_true about Ni and his 'question' (maybe something along the lines of _the_ fuck _it's _fun _you goddamn smarmy, sick, evil bastard with a fucking bunny fetish!_), but before he could speak Kougaiji was barking orders at him, telling him to leave Ni alone so they could get started on their trip. This new Kougaiji really _hated_ wasting time.

And as Dokugakuji was walking away behind his prince, he turned back just in time to see Ni give them both a cheery wave and whisper something in his bunny companion's ear, dark eyes glinting maliciously, dark hair shining in the unnatural light of the hallway. Ni was still fucking _smiling_.

_Goddamn immoral_ fuck.

...funny, how Dokugakuji could no longer tell if he was talking about Ni-

Or what _he_ was about to do.

...well, maybe not _funny_.

-o-x-o-

They walked outside the tent, and with a sigh of relief Dokugakuji breathed in the cool night air. He hadn't realized it had gotten so late; but then, they _had_ been in there a while...

"So," he said quickly, when it appeared Kougaiji was about to walk away, "what now, Kou? We've got the Sutra. What do we do with _him_?" And with that, he jerked a finger behind him at the tent, just so there was no way Kougaiji could miss his meaning. _As if it's not completely obvious who I mean..._

Kougaiji glanced uninterestedly in the direction his finger had pointed, then turned away again. Dokugakuji thought he was being ignored, and for just a second, _just that one second_, he was so pissed off at Kougaiji he was horrified with himself-

Until Kougaiji gave him another reason to be horrified altogether.

"Listen up, men," he said loudly, catching the attention of just about every member of their small troop, "one at a time, I'm going to allow you to 'entertain' our guest. Consider it a reward for good service from myself and the Lady Gyokumen Koushu."

Dokugakuji felt the bottom drop out of his stomach.

As the men cheered – and, in many cases, _leered_ – Dokugakuji turned wounded, disbelieving eyes to his 'lord'.

"Kou," he said, trying not to beg, wishing his voice didn't sound so breathless and weak, "you can't do this. Please... Not even to our enemy. C'mon, Kou..."

Kougaiji looked at him, expressionless, and his very indifference hurt more than anything else ever could have.

As Kougaiji walked off to pick out the first man to receive his 'gift', Dokugakuji turned back around, staring blindly at the tent flaps that hid... his _enemy-victim-the-man-he-couldn't-help-but-sympathize-with_.

He wanted to say-do-think something that would help Sanzo, help _him_. But once again, there was a young man (_brother, my brother, I'm sorry_) being broken right in front of him, and he couldn't do a thing. Not a thing.

_I couldn't save Gojyo – can't save Sanzo – never save anyone-_

_I could never even save myself._

--_End Chapter Three_--


	5. Chapter Four: And Fixes a Stare

Disclaimer – I do not own or profit from Saiyuki. Such a painful shock, that, I'm sure.

Rated M for slash/yaoi, non-con, and utter darkness. Do keep that in mind before reading, eh? ('grin')

Special thanks (_curses_) to darthelwig, for basically causing all this. I owe you one (_big slap_) for all this, D. ...heh.

More special thanks to Ditch Gospel, for 'stalking' this story and making me feel special. Thank you, thank you, _thank_ _you_.

And another huge _thank you_ to all of _you_, as well, for reading and, if you so choose, commenting. I truly appreciate it. And to those who've commented on my strange grammar in this – it was a style choice that I thought fit well with the story I needed to tell. My apologies if you feel I've failed.

Anyway, enjoy. Peace, all.

OxOxO

**Fall of Shadows**

Chapter Four – And Fixes a Stare

_by_ _Ghost Helwig_

OxOxO

Three days into their new journey, and Hakkai was _thisclose_ to panicking.

They seemed no closer to Sanzo. And the more time it took, the more _intense_ Goku got. He not only _didn't _ whine about being hungry, when Hakkai passed out sandwiches as they sat in the car (front seat vacant – no one would usurp Sanzo's rightful place, no one could bear to, not even Gojyo and _especially_ not the monkey), Goku refused to eat. He didn't even spare time for questioning how Hakkai could drive and make sandwiches at the same time, as a wide-eyed Gojyo did - even though Gojyo had watched Hakkai do it, either he was truly impressed or was trying vainly to fill the silence (Hakkai suspected it was more than a little of both), because he wouldn't _shut up_ about it until Hakkai quietly begged him to.

And to top it all off, when they tried to stop for the night, Goku would just climb out of the jeep and keep on walking. So Hakkai and Gojyo, after asking, ordering, bartering, and manipulating led to nothing, simply walked along with him, Hakuryu curled up on Hakkai's shoulder. The little dragon was the only one of them who would get rest until Sanzo had been returned to them.

Which was looking, much as Hakkai didn't want to admit it, less and less likely.

_I wonder_, he thought as he dragged his tired legs up yet another small hill, his friends still and silent as they walked with him, Gojyo trailing behind and Goku (_of course_) leading, _can we handle much more of this? We're running out of supplies, and I daren't take us into town with Goku acting this way. He's liable to break the heads and necks of anyone who crosses paths with him. He barely tolerates _us _as it is._

And then, a truly terrible thought:

_Can _Goku _handle much more of this? His limiter – I've only ever seen it break off him once before, in the heat of the moment, but..._

_If I look closely, will it have cracks in it?_

He didn't even want to hazard a guess.

Then, just as dawn crept over the horizon (_don't look East, Hakkai – our only goal lies to the West_, said a smoky, unintentionally sensual voice in his mind, his memory) on the fourth morning since Sanzo's disappearance, all four companions looked up when a large shadow passed overhead. As it circled above them, Goku let out a loud, lancing cry that drove Hakuryu off Hakkai's shoulder and into the shelter of the trees nearby. Hakuryu, at least, knew danger before it landed before them.

_I always knew he was a smart little dragon_.

The shadow passed by again, then seemed to disappear into the tops of the trees far ahead of them. Without consulting his companions – or even saying a word – Goku was racing off into the forest after it.

_Sanzo will be furious when he hears yet more evidence that Goku has yet to learn to control his emotions where he's concerned-_

Oh. _Sanzo_.

And suddenly, Hakkai was running too.

-o-x-o-

There were brambles in his hair. He supposed that only made sense – couldn't very well be helped, getting brambles in your hair, when someone pushed you off a flying dragon and into a convenient tree and you had to climb your way down on limbs so unsteady your first thought, upon being placed upon them for the first time in four – no, more like five – days, is that there's an earthquake rocking the tree and the ground you eventually find beneath your sliced-up feet.

Speaking of which, his feet hurt. Not as badly as his wrists, but they still hurt. And his wrists didn't hurt as badly as this one bite some idiotic youkai had left on his neck. Fucking leech. But even that didn't compare to the raging, ceaseless fire and pain in his ass-

Yeah. No use thinking about that. So he moved on.

The crap in his hair was really bothering him. Just one of the reasons he'd always kept it manageably short – he had this strange feeling that he'd had his goddamn _fill_ of long hair, _thank you very much_, so Gojyo could _keep_ his, and welcome to it. Why any sane person would want something that tangled so easily if you didn't keep it up _just right _and was a _bitch_ to keep clean and that goddamn _brats_ could yank on whenever they so chose (not that he'd _ever_ let a child get so close to him, no way no how, but best to be on the safe side where those creatures were concerned), was beyond him.

But then again, no one who knew him had ever claimed Gojyo was _sane_.

...well, maybe Hakkai had, but considering who _he_ was – or rather, had been, to be precise (and Hakkai was _always_ precise) – he wasn't really a good _judge_ of sanity, now was he?

Not that _he_ should probably judge, either, considering his current obsession with the state of his hair...

But goddammit, it felt fucking _dirty_. He hated that. (_They made me dirty – fucking perverts – all over again – I stopped it before – couldn't stop them – you – no – don't think about it – don't think_.) And now that he'd thought about it, he'd never _once_ let his hair grow out, so how the _hell_ could he have gotten sick of it? Maybe he really _was_ insane.

He hated it, though, hated it so much he'd been relieved when Goku finally let him cut _his_ long hair. (_The only time he liked it was when he braided it to keep it out of Goku's way, surprisingly soft it was, too soft for a monkey's fur, he only liked it because having his fingers in Goku's hair kept the goddamned monkey _quiet, _really, that was all it was, and no, he didn't pet it, not where anyone could see, could know. And Goku was too smart to ever say otherwise._) So relieved he really _had_ preferred Gojyo's short hair, when he really couldn't give a damn _what_ the kappa did to his body. _Is that why I can't stand the sight of him? His goddamn _hair

_...well, I suppose that's as good a reason as any_.

He'd been so relieved though. It was almost unnatural. As a matter of fact, he'd often considered just fucking _shaving his head_, only he couldn't because his hair was worth _just that much more_ actually _on_ his head, where it could piss off the monks who thought a Sanzo priest should actually resemble a _priest_.

_Hell, they shouldn't worry so goddamn much. This much crap to deal with, I'll be bald by the time I'm thirty_.

That thought, for some reason, sobered him. He felt almost... _sad_.

_-Without the golden hair, how can he be anyone's sun?-_

He pushed it away, the thought _and_ the untimely emotions. Stupid things to be dealing with, anyway. He had more important things to think about-

_Like ripping Kougaiji's goddamn head off-_

_-vulnerable, like he hasn't been in years, violated, like he hasn't been since his master's death, soiled and torn and just _ripped open_, like he hasn't ever been, not ever-_

_**I'll kill them, kill them all-**_

_-red dripping off his wrists, can't see it but he knows it's between his thighs as well, watches it drip from the parted, panting lips of the youkai on top of him who has been suckling on his shoulders as though he can drain his life away through them, and he suddenly understands, in a way he will never explain to either of them, Hakkai and Gojyo's separate but oh-so-similar aversions to blood-_

_**I'll kill them, kill them all-**_

_-and kill myself as well­-_

"_Sanzo!_"

His head jerked up, just as Goku burst through the trees in front of him. And he suddenly realized-

_I was following his voice, without even realizing it._

The realization stopped him cold. It took him a moment to realize that Goku had stopped as well. He didn't understand – by now, he would've expected Goku to be on him like the monkey he was, clinging and shouting and causing such a ruckus Sanzo would be wishing, within instants, that he still had his gun.

_They stole it from me, those bastards – the gun – my Sutra – **everything**-_

_How could they do that? Take everything from me?_

Hakkai and Gojyo had come running up behind Goku. Hakkai stopped first, just behind the monkey's shoulder; his breath hissed in between his teeth. His monocle was glittering dangerously in the orange light of the dawn.

Gojyo stopped a split-second later, mere steps in front of Goku, mere finger-widths away from his frozen companions. Though it was almost impossible to believe it, he looked like he might cry.

Patience had never been Sanzo's strong suit. With an impatient wave of his hand - that caused his arm to twinge anew and made his voice come out even rougher than intended (and he had intended it to be pretty rough) – he growled, "what the _fuck_ are you looking at?"

Though Gojyo had been the one it appeared would do it, Goku was the one who began to cry.

-o-x-o-

He had Goku's cape wrapped around him now. It didn't hide much, but it was enough. And Goku would let no one, not even Hakkai and Gojyo, near Sanzo right now.

Healing could wait until they found the stream Hakkai's map and the keen hearing of the youkai (and half-youkai) among them had told them all was near. Explanations could wait as well.

Not that any were needed.

Sanzo walked with his head held high and Goku's cape wrapped around his waist, broken pride clutched around him like a second skin even though he looked just short of ridiculous. He would've actually _looked_ ridiculous, if one couldn't see remnants of torture all over his body.

Instead, he just looked sad.

And not even his wounded pride could hide that new limp. Or those teeth marks marring the pale expanse of his flesh. Or the scratches on his chest, the blood at his wrists, the haunted unawareness in his usually vivid and all-seeing eyes.

And most importantly, nothing could hide what all three had plainly seen when Sanzo stood naked and vulnerable before them-

Blood, some crusted over, some still wet and obviously oozing, liberally coating the insides of his thighs.

There was no mistaking what _that_ was from. No denying what it all meant.

And it made Sanzo's companions (his _friends_) feel sick, that they'd trusted their enemies at all.

At the stream, which was thankfully slow-moving and quite shallow enough to reach only up to Goku's chest at its deepest, Hakkai and Gojyo began setting up a rudimentary camp, politely turning their backs to the water. Goku led Sanzo down to the edge, helped him sit before he waded into the water himself.

He turned back to Sanzo, who was sitting blindly on the bank, watching him without seeing him. That blank stare was unnerving. With a quiet sigh (no one spoke anymore, hadn't since Sanzo had snarled away Hakkai's offer of aid, Goku growling helplessly beside him, tears still coursing down his cheeks), Goku moved back to the bank, and held out his hand.

Sanzo didn't even appear to notice it.

Goku waved his hand, and this time, a mumbled curse caught Sanzo's ear. He looked up, met Goku's innocent golden gaze. He looked down again.

That, more than anything, lit _fire_ in Goku's belly. Someone would fucking _pay_-

-but later for that. He banked his rage, reached out gentle hands to pull a surprisingly unresisting Sanzo into his arms. He would worry about that, later, when he had the thought to spare for anything but _clean Sanzo's wounds – help Sanzo – heal Sanzo_.

He hadn't bothered undressing himself before clambering into the river – he had a feeling seeing another man's nakedness (_another goddamn youkai, naked and demanding with his nakedness alone_) would not help Sanzo right now. So it was with shaking, cold-numbed fingers - even though the water had been warmed slightly by the growing sunlight (_will I ever see the sun shine again?_), he was still somehow _cold_ – that he slowly, carefully removed his cape from Sanzo's waist. Sanzo made not a move, not a sound of protest.

_-If they broke you I will fix you-_

He tossed the wet cape at the riverbank, where it landed with a squelch and a splatter beside Gojyo's feet. He flinched, but didn't turn around. (_He held himself back to spare the sensibilities of a monk who spared the sensibilities of no one, least of all himself_.)

Goku meanwhile was trying very hard not to notice the swirls of crimson that were occasionally drifting off into the water now. And Sanzo just remained standing before him, not moving. It wasn't until Goku reached to touch him again that Sanzo's very _skin_ seemed to flinch away, though he barely moved at all.

_-If they scared you I will reassure you-_

Determined, Goku reached out again, drew his fingers over the still-dry but strangely chilled flesh on one pale, exposed shoulder. Sanzo's eyes met his at last, a glimmer of recognition finally lighting the violet depths.

"Sanzo..." Goku whispered. He didn't even know what he wanted to say, what he _could_ or _should_ say, but it was obvious that _something_ needed to be said...

Sanzo just shook his head, aching, bone-deep _weariness_ in every line of him, pale hair streaking down his cheeks, hiding his shadowed eyes.

_-If they numbed you I will awaken you-_

Without a word, Goku hurriedly climbed out of the river and ran to their bags, grabbing out a bar of soap and a clean rag to wash with. His back was turned, thus ensuring he and the others all missed what was quite possibly the most shocking behavior of all – Sanzo's head whipping around to watch his retreating back, something almost like _shock_ and _loss_, something akin to _fear_, fighting its way into his eyes.

He'd forced himself to turn back around, face away from Goku, before Goku had turned back to race into the stream once again.

_-Because they hurt you I will avenge you-_

Goku was gentle, but sometimes no amount of gentleness helped, and Sanzo hissed in pain as his wounds were painstakingly cleaned. Some weren't so bad – little cuts, claw marks that would heal within a week or less; Sanzo, thankfully, healed pretty damn quickly for a human. (_But the claw marks looked like youkai handprints, like he could trace the outline of different hands using them, and it was the first time ever that the monkey thought of his own kind as being nothing more than animals_.)

But some wounds were different – larger, more wicked, more like actual _wounds_. Sanzo had quite a few of _those_, too.

_-When you hurt I will avenge you-_

_-because I couldn't save you._

So Goku did what he could, and they didn't leave the river until they were shivering from cold, soaked to the bone, the sun high in the sky and their fingers wrinkled and waterlogged. (_My fingers are just like _their _fingers sometimes – they're dirty – and they hurt him. Even when I don't mean to._)

Once free of the river, an unnaturally unobtrusive Gojyo appeared like he'd been summoned out of thin air, handing Goku two towels and disappearing again almost as quickly as he'd come. The magic of Hakkai's commands, undoubtedly.

With tender strokes and rubs and pats over the worst of the cuts, the scrapes and bruises, Goku dried Sanzo off. The strange passivity that had overtaken Sanzo showed no sign of abating-

Until Goku pulled a clean, freshly laundered (at their very last stop in a town six days ago, no less) set of Sanzo's robes and other attire from their packs - minus the missing Sutra, naturally, as they only had, unfortunately, one of those. He turned with them in his hands-

Sanzo took one look, and promptly threw up all over the ground.

-o-x-o-

Bathed clean once again, and clothed only in a few towels until Hakkai was allowed to look at the more serious of his wounds (and Goku could think of something for Sanzo to wear that would not induce more vomiting from someone who obviously had nothing left in his stomach to vomit up except water and possibly his own guts), Sanzo sat quietly – if not quite comfortably – beside a small fire Hakkai had obviously banked before he and Gojyo had so mysteriously disappeared.

Goku, too, had disappeared, following their errant companions. Only Hakuryu hovered nearby, which suited Sanzo just fine. Compared to the company of other people, he didn't mind the little dragon so much at the moment...

When Goku returned, he had the others in tow (which was within minutes; apparently, and utterly unsurprisingly, Hakkai and Gojyo had not gone far). Hakkai immediately moved to Sanzo's side, and Sanzo suffered himself to be examined, poked at, prodded with gentle and well-meaning but still anxiety-inducing fingers-

But he would not let _that wound_ go examined, and demanded it be healed without Hakkai once looking to see if any permanent damage had already been done.

So Hakkai healed him, examining what Sanzo refused to show him as best he could using only his Chi-

And he was pleasantly surprised, so relieved that he nearly fell over and Gojyo jerked towards him in startlement, when he realized that nothing that had been done to Sanzo could not be undone with time, rest, and liberal application of his Chi (as well as a few soothing, healing salves he could easily whip up, if he could ever get Sanzo to consent to such a thing as letting someone apply cream to such a sensitive, private area). But the salves would help speed the healing process along...

His eyes landed on another wound he was healing, one that still oozed '_pain_' in his mind even though he'd been healing Sanzo for quite a bit already, one that made it look remarkably like Sanzo's side had been chewed by a vicious animal, maybe a bear (_definitely not a monkey_)...

...well, nothing that had been done to Sanzo's _body_ couldn't be undone, at any rate.

Healing finally over and done with (the wound to Sanzo's side had been healed as best Hakkai could, until only thin, still red and re-growing skin remained), Hakkai left Sanzo to the silence and solitude he so obviously wanted. He walked over to where Gojyo stood disconsolately stirring a pot of stew he'd set to boil over the fire (which Sanzo had moved resolutely away from the moment Hakkai began to cook). Gojyo immediately struck up a low-voiced conversation with the healer, who looked over at Sanzo and shook his head.

Determined to ignore them both, Sanzo turned his head away.

Somehow, in the small interim where he'd been distracted, Goku had wandered quietly to his side once again. He allowed it, because when Goku's mouth was shut he didn't annoy him nearly as much, and though he'd never admit it (was only vaguely aware of it, as he didn't even like to admit such things to _himself_) there was no one else he trusted near him when his skin and flesh and bones felt this _exposed_, this _vulnerable_.

So Goku curled up at his side, not touching him, but close enough that Sanzo could touch him without moving in a way that might draw attention to himself. If he so chose. Goku really did know him too well sometimes. (_But sometimes, the monkey misinterprets because the monk hides, and neither is ever as acutely aware of it as they are when their understanding is this keen and clear._)

But he allowed that too, allowed Goku to know him, because he could think of no one else who would _want_ to (_no one else _deserved _to, had done so much – and put up with so much – to earn it, his reluctant trust_). Especially now.

He didn't even want to know _himself_.

But as Goku fell into a doze beside him, the tension Sanzo had been using to keep himself sane, had been carrying for so many days (_too many days_), eased its way from his body, leaving tears in its wake – tears he held back for all, with all, he was worth. Genjyo Sanzo did not give in to little things like _tears_ and _sorrow_ and _grief_-

Not in front of witnesses, at any rate.

'_You must be strong, Priest Genjyo Sanzo._'

_Even when I'm no longer a priest, Master? Even then?_

Goku shifted beside him, one surprisingly small shoulder bumping his knee. He tried not to flinch away from the touch.

_Even now, when they've done their best to break me?_

Without thinking, he let his hand droop onto Goku's chest, resting above his heart.

_Do I have to be strong now? Because truthfully, Master..._

In a way, a way that was unique to him, that small, unchecked vulnerability was worse than tears.

_I think I've forgotten how._

When Goku shifted again, Sanzo found himself gently but inexorably drawn down into strong, sheltering arms. He didn't fight the pull; didn't even think of it.

Instead, he let Goku hold him against his chest (_ear above his heart now, so he could listen to the sound of life and breath, so close, the strong heartbeat of one who would never abandon him, no matter how he tried to get him to_). He could still hear Gojyo and Hakkai speaking softly somewhere behind him, their voices a quiet lull dragging him down...

And for the first time in days, Sanzo rested; safe, quiet, among friends.

-o-x-o-

(_While up in Heaven, his aunt looked down, and made increasingly lewd and inappropriate jokes; hir own way of crying the tears he could not shed._)

--_End Chapter Four_--


End file.
